Today I had to leave work early, due to an anxiety attack. I had convinced myself that I had Covid-19.
Once a day since the beginning of the Covid-19 Pandemic in America I have to convince myself that I am not sick. I suffer from anxiety attacks and these episodes often create thoughts of impending doom. Horrible, scary thoughts. Basically, I think of the worst case scenario, and my mind twists reality into making me believe that no matter what I do, the end result will be my demise. I spend, sometimes hours, locked in a battle with my inner thoughts, shaking in fear, with waves of anxiety strong enough they cause physical pain.
Over the years I have developed healthy ways to work through these attacks. However due to Covid-19 Quarantine, and the fear of real potential death and sickness of neighbors and friends, or loved ones, especially my children, the constant external pressure has made it more challenging to cope with my anxiety.
For me, “an idle mind is the devil’s workshop.” One of the best ways for me to thwart off anxiety attacks is to keep myself busy. It is easy for me to get bogged down by negativity if I let my mind ferment, and start pondering life rather than living it.
Fortunately, and unfortunately, (for my back,) work is one of the best places I can be. I am a Union carpenter Apprentice. The job is physically demanding which allows me to stay fit, but more importantly it is mentally challenging.
There is always something new to learn with each new task. Plus, there is always a better way to do something, or a skill to improve upon. I have at least ten opportunities a day to set a goal and achieve it, thus, generating a little bit of self pride.
I also get the opportunity to work with other carpenters from all walks of life with varying experience levels so I take it to heart to remain engaged and soak up as much knowledge as I can to better myself for my career and family’s sake.
I am usually pretty safe from anxiety attacks at work. The ride to work and back home can be a different story. Being alone is not really my thing. I am critical of myself, and my self talk can often turn negative on the long ride in and if I get consumed in the negativity, it can really mess up my day.
The ride home can also be a nightmare. Just like after a Rugby match, I start focusing on my errors and failures of the day. Or I start worrying about the things that I have to accomplish when I get home. Coupled with the physical exhaustion of the day, traffic, and oftentimes hunger, one can see my constant battle to keep myself above water psychologically speaking.
As a former fire firefighter, EMT and Army Medic, I find it frustrating that I can no longer seize control of the chaos. Does anyone reading this have any suggestions for me or others like me that struggle with anxiety attacks in high stress work environments? Somehow in my mind telling my boss that I need a minute to “find my happy place” just isn’t gonna fly. At the same time I lost a full day’s pay today, and my family is depending on me to provide for them.
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